If you ask, a lot of Texans will tell you they have no use for the citizenry of Oklahoma, especially during college football season, but I’d bet a beer that the Oklahoman who wrote this for sale ad would be an exception to this rule due to his sarcastic observations about life, society and his beloved red Jeep Cherokee, which he is attempting to sell on Craigslist. Let’s just say he is brutally honest and has zero tact, but what he does have is a knack for articulating the Jeep’s finer points, the kind you’re probably not going to find listed in Kelley Blue Book. Hell, after reading the listing, even I want to drive up there to look at the Jeep, and maybe even drink a beer with him while I’m at it. You never know what other nuggets of wisdom he might be dispensing…
1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)
4.0 L in-line 6
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo!
Here’s the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character. It’s a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things. It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.
If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU. If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU. If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU. If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU. If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit: THIS IS YOUR JEEP. Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate? Have you ever uttered the words, “Hold my beer and watch this …”? While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, “I could hit that from here with the .22 …”? Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun? Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail? When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fence line do you consider taking on another project? Is your ol’ lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage? Could you not care less? Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone? Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned? Do you still miss your first ride? Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks? Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars? Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?
If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
-I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive care taking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don’t know, I’m not collecting statistical analysis points.
I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
-It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it’s empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober. We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven’t fixed it.
-Driver’s side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn’t matter. A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don’t want to replace them I will. Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven’t upgraded because I had plans:
Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17″ Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
Life got in the way – it ain’t happening.
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter’s idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ass, so there.
-Why are you selling? A: I can’t justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.
-What’s wrong with it? A. Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver’s side door cosmetic issues. And it’s pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.
-Does the 4WD work? A. Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.
-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]? A. No. I’m not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.
-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]? A. No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit Honda project down the road. I think I’m plenty cheap for this bad mofo.
-Why is it still stock? A. Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project. I haven’t had the time to do so. So I am selling it.
-Can I put a 6″ lift and giant tires on it? A. I don’t give a shit. But be sure to use quality components and for God’s sake – get it aligned after a lift!
-Would this make a good car for my daughter? A. Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance. Additionally, there isn’t really enough room in the back for that little bastard she’s dating to try anything.
-Can you deliver? A. Within reason. I’d drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.
-Will you take a check / cashier’s check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note? A. Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I’ll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don’t show.
-Will you ship to -? A. No. See above.
-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]? A. That’s great, I don’t give a shit. Unicef ain’t running this deal, and until they do I want $1750. Why? Because I don’t HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I’d rather keep it. But if it’s going to a good home – I will sell. Unless you’re an asshole – then no sale.
-Why are you such a dick? A. Everything is relative; you should see my friends.
Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.
Lone Star Chronicles – Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Fish